#TakeTheMaskOff
Now this hashtag has been trending a fair bit on Twitter recently and to be honest I've been at a loss as to how I feel about it.
To those who have no idea what I'm talking about (with regards to masking not in real-life obviously which would be just about everyone), masking - or Camouflaging or passing if you prefer, it's up to you go on knock yourself out - is what we do in order to better fit in and conform to social norms.
But before you say "Well we all do that to a certain extent!" let me just say that Autistic masking is oh so slightly different.
And also add that I'm not the one shouting sentences at a computer screen.
Whereas it's true that NT folk will mask and change to fit in, they do it with full knowledge of the whys and wheres of social situations and the pitfalls that go with them.
With Autistic folk, much of the masking is there in order to just fit in with situations that are really alien to us - we're essentially copying what we've seen others do in order to better fit in but without actually understanding why folk do these things in the first place.
If you want to know how that feels just pop away now and try watching the 1984 classic The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension cold then write a thesis on it that compares it to the original cut.
You know, the one you haven't seen.
Or heard of.
Don't rush I'll still be here when you get back.
It requires a lot of effort and concentration that can leave you stressed and exhausted (and frustrated) to the point of meltdown and in some cases can exasperate mental health issues, anxiety and generally just leave you feeling like shit.
And all this just to fit in.
Although not receiving a diagnosis till later in life (I make myself sound like a fossil) I soon discovered that I've masked since childhood, building up an 'ASH' persona along the way but one that bizarrely draws attention to myself rather than blend in, it's almost like there are multiple me's vying for attention, one that wants to quietly fit in and one that wants to shout "Arse!" at passers by from the rooftops whilst excitedly ranting about things that have no relevance.
Yup, I've bizarrely used masking to fit in whilst also used it to stand out.
Confused?
Well imagine how I feel.
After 48 years the mask and me are intrinsically linked to a point where taking it off is not only a terrifying thought but almost impossible to do.
It's as much of who I am as my crap haircut and love of bad Eurohorror.
But again in one of those wonderful Autistic contradictions (you know like the fact that Autistic folk need quiet spaces yet are really loud) when I'm at home with Mrs Ash it drops away completely and I can just be me.
I'm told I do really great eye contact but here's the thing, I actually concentrate on the end of folks noses.
I wear sleeves that are slightly too long so I can pull on them and keep my arms rigid so I don't flap excitedly when talking.
I also always carry a bag with me to give me something to fiddle with otherwise I wave my hands around.....A lot.
If someone is talking to me I tilt my head slightly to the right and gently nod, this makes it look like I'm taking it all in.
If it's sad news I tilt to the left and nod slower.
But my favourite thing is that when I'm out with the aforementioned Mrs Ash she will subtly give me social cues as to when to listen, when to stop talking and when to respond to things.
So in a bizarre quirk of fate she actually masks for me.
And that's why I'm confident enough to do this.
To those who have no idea what I'm talking about (with regards to masking not in real-life obviously which would be just about everyone), masking - or Camouflaging or passing if you prefer, it's up to you go on knock yourself out - is what we do in order to better fit in and conform to social norms.
But before you say "Well we all do that to a certain extent!" let me just say that Autistic masking is oh so slightly different.
And also add that I'm not the one shouting sentences at a computer screen.
Whereas it's true that NT folk will mask and change to fit in, they do it with full knowledge of the whys and wheres of social situations and the pitfalls that go with them.
With Autistic folk, much of the masking is there in order to just fit in with situations that are really alien to us - we're essentially copying what we've seen others do in order to better fit in but without actually understanding why folk do these things in the first place.
If you want to know how that feels just pop away now and try watching the 1984 classic The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension cold then write a thesis on it that compares it to the original cut.
You know, the one you haven't seen.
Or heard of.
Don't rush I'll still be here when you get back.
It requires a lot of effort and concentration that can leave you stressed and exhausted (and frustrated) to the point of meltdown and in some cases can exasperate mental health issues, anxiety and generally just leave you feeling like shit.
And all this just to fit in.
Although not receiving a diagnosis till later in life (I make myself sound like a fossil) I soon discovered that I've masked since childhood, building up an 'ASH' persona along the way but one that bizarrely draws attention to myself rather than blend in, it's almost like there are multiple me's vying for attention, one that wants to quietly fit in and one that wants to shout "Arse!" at passers by from the rooftops whilst excitedly ranting about things that have no relevance.
Yup, I've bizarrely used masking to fit in whilst also used it to stand out.
Confused?
Well imagine how I feel.
After 48 years the mask and me are intrinsically linked to a point where taking it off is not only a terrifying thought but almost impossible to do.
It's as much of who I am as my crap haircut and love of bad Eurohorror.
But again in one of those wonderful Autistic contradictions (you know like the fact that Autistic folk need quiet spaces yet are really loud) when I'm at home with Mrs Ash it drops away completely and I can just be me.
 |
| "I can see your house from here Peter!" |
I'm told I do really great eye contact but here's the thing, I actually concentrate on the end of folks noses.
I wear sleeves that are slightly too long so I can pull on them and keep my arms rigid so I don't flap excitedly when talking.
I also always carry a bag with me to give me something to fiddle with otherwise I wave my hands around.....A lot.
If someone is talking to me I tilt my head slightly to the right and gently nod, this makes it look like I'm taking it all in.
If it's sad news I tilt to the left and nod slower.
But my favourite thing is that when I'm out with the aforementioned Mrs Ash she will subtly give me social cues as to when to listen, when to stop talking and when to respond to things.
So in a bizarre quirk of fate she actually masks for me.
And that's why I'm confident enough to do this.
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