Lockdown Blues.
One of those lockdown updates and surprisingly the kids are doing great (a few wobbles here and there but that's to be expected) but scarily I'm
really struggling.
As I've said before I usually work from home so I've gone from having my own space and routines to a houseful of folk all with different needs and routines plus (as mentioned here) I do a fair bit of 'social mapping', which put simply means that before I indulge/partake in any social situations I spend an inordinate amount of time planning and then revising how the situation may play out.
So being in a situation with absolutely no rules and with no idea how it will end is basically wearing me out.
I have no energy or idea how to cope with anything on a day to day basis and the whole lockdown thing feels like I'm drowning in loud emotional treacle.
The basic stuff like getting up (eventually), getting dressed and eating is OK but even that is taking way more effort than usual.
Other than that it's a real struggle - a struggle I really don't want to admit to in case the whole autie folk are shit parents/partners thing rears it's ugly head.
I've been told that by helpful folk online before which was nice.
Add to that I have this idea that to admit that being autie/aspie can sometimes be hard is almost like a betrayal of everyone else including my kids, their friends and anyone else I know on 'ver spectrum'.
So basically by admitting it I've just added a tonne more probable scenario outcomes to my already overloaded brain.
To be honest I always thought that being an all knowing 'autistic elder' this would be easier somehow.
Oh well.
Don't worry tho' normal fun and nonsense will resume at some point.
I hope.
As I've said before I usually work from home so I've gone from having my own space and routines to a houseful of folk all with different needs and routines plus (as mentioned here) I do a fair bit of 'social mapping', which put simply means that before I indulge/partake in any social situations I spend an inordinate amount of time planning and then revising how the situation may play out.
So being in a situation with absolutely no rules and with no idea how it will end is basically wearing me out.
I have no energy or idea how to cope with anything on a day to day basis and the whole lockdown thing feels like I'm drowning in loud emotional treacle.
The basic stuff like getting up (eventually), getting dressed and eating is OK but even that is taking way more effort than usual.
Other than that it's a real struggle - a struggle I really don't want to admit to in case the whole autie folk are shit parents/partners thing rears it's ugly head.
I've been told that by helpful folk online before which was nice.
Add to that I have this idea that to admit that being autie/aspie can sometimes be hard is almost like a betrayal of everyone else including my kids, their friends and anyone else I know on 'ver spectrum'.
So basically by admitting it I've just added a tonne more probable scenario outcomes to my already overloaded brain.
To be honest I always thought that being an all knowing 'autistic elder' this would be easier somehow.
Oh well.
Don't worry tho' normal fun and nonsense will resume at some point.
I hope.
I actually think it's really important for you to explain the autistic experience in its entirety - it's not always doom and gloom, but it's not always easy - as it helps people like me understand what challenges our kids may be facing. You have a way of explaining your experiences and thought processes that I feel helps me understand how Elliot might be feeling but can't fully express.
ReplyDeleteAs a parent of an autistic person who doesn't follow the nonsensical view that I know more about autism than autistic people do, you help me understand Elliot's world a bit more clearly.
Please keep posting about the positives and the negatives - as an Autistic Elder you're helping others more than you know xx